biglaundry.co

i don't think i'm cut out to be a minimalist.

or a collector.

or an expert in any one particular thing

i romanticize the identity of those kinds of people. going extreme in a particular hobby is very cool to me, like belonging to a tribe. being able to share with like-minded people. but i feel like whenever i'm ready to dive into something i always keep one foot out. an internal safety mechanism that forces me to stay balanced. i never liked falling, and i think that's probably just me. and that's ok.

when cleaning out my closet i realized i had swung too far in the "collector" direction. i had an honest look at my collection of clothes, sneakers, toys, and realized they do nothing for me today. they did at some point tho, and that's why i felt like i wanted to own them. but do i really own them when i feel a sense of dread looking at all i've accumulated?

just like a diet, a wild swing in the other direction (throwing everything out) is probably not the solution either. it just gives me space again to accumulate, with a short-term resolve to keep that acculumation low, that will grow weaker as life goes on. i think the healthy habit is to embrace the ebbs and flows of having stuff.

this website is a my mindful inventory. i want to acknowledge that every little thing i'm getting rid of occupied space in my mind at some point. i want to see if i have anything to say about it, and then let it go. and i want to share this with people around me who wear size 9, i'd rather my things go to homes i can put a face to. i'd like to capture the feeling and release the object.

this website is also an inventory of my mind. i miss blogs that aren't advertisements, or just unhinged spaces. my journal is a safe space and i can write for myself there. a website on the internet is not a safe space, it's a very open space with no wall to lean against. as such i don't feel like i can write whatever i want here, and that's fine. but i feel comfort in having some space where i can feel heard even if i don't know if anyone's listening.

if you're here thanks for being here.